Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
