So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
