...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
where are my pants?
in the oven.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
