I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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