I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
