sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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