I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
