The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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