You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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