I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
