I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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