You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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