Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
