Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
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I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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