Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
