just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
