he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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