the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
