You smell like a Billy Joel song
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
