She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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