You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
