I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
