I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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