I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
