So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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