Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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