Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.