I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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