im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
