dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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