umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception