yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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