I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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