When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
