If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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