i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
