Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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