If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
