i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
