So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm like, not good at living.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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