I can tuck mytits in my pants
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How does one acquire holy water?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
