I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
