Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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