Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
