I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
