I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
