Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
