no one should ever give us hovercrafts
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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