People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
