on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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