I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
