my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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