(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
