Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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