I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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