I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
