Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
