i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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