I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
