can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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