Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is Oprah even human
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
